My best friend, Carrie, walks up next to me, “Carrie, I’m not going trick-or-treating. Why should we have to dress up? Why can’t we just go door to door as young girls? I just don’t care.”

“Jana, are you crazy?! Let’s just go out and have fun! Think of all the candy we’ll get!”

“Carrie, life is more than just getting candy or doing what people tell us to do. For some reason I don’t want to do this. I really don’t want to go. There must be a reason I feel this way and I’m not going to go just because everyone else does.”

Carrie puts her arm on mine, stops walking and finally pays attention. “You sound really sad about Halloween, huh?”

“Well, yeah, I am. Strange, but it’s true.”

“Sorry, Jana, I thought you were kidding or just being a little crazy. How can I help? How about we go to your house after school and talk about this?”

“Okay, sounds good. See you then.”

“See you after school, on the steps.”

“Great, thanks Carrie.” I plod through the rest of the day feeling as hollow and empty as a carved-out pumpkin.

Carrie is my best friend. Sometimes she might not understand where I am coming from, but once she gets it, she’s always there for me. That’s what good friends are about. We meet on the steps after school, and as we walk to my house, we talk about how we’re going to deal with my scary Halloween mood.

“How about we research what Halloween’s all about? Maybe that will make you feel better,” Carrie suggests.

“Okay, we can try that. But there seems to be something else that’s bothering me. I just don’t feel good about any of it.”

The rest of the way home we chat about typical everyday stuff. Then we get to my house, go to the kitchen, get some juice and snacks, grab the laptop and head to my room. We Google Halloween, and–to make a long story short–it basically says that because our country is a melting pot of other cultures, our holidays are a blend from other countries, and that Halloween is one of the best examples.

“Carrie, this is pretty cool. Halloween is about winter, and how everything dies. It is about death, the death of plants and the food source. Ranchers let their cattle out in May to feed all summer and herded them back for the winter. These two seasons, the growing season is like life, and winter is like death. And, there are a bunch of customs from other countries where they believe that the dead, or the spirits could contact the living on that night. Costumes and scary faces were to chase evil spirits away.”

“Shh, Jana. Did you hear that noise?” We both listen and hear a tapping coming from the wall.

We whisper to each other now.

“Oh, this is already scary and it is only day time and not even Halloween! What could that noise be?”

“I don’t know but what are we going to do about it?” The noise came again, a light tapping on the wall.

“It’s coming from the next room,” Carrie murmurs.

“It’s coming from Adam’s room. Maybe he’s home and we didn’t know it.”

We tiptoe down the hall, quietly knock on his door, desperately hoping he is there. There is no answer. So we silently open the door and look in. As soon as we open the door the knocking stops. We close the door and head back to my room. Just as we enter my room the knocking starts again. So we sneak back to Adam’s room, and just as we open the door the knocking stops again.

“Jana, This is freaking me out! When will someone be home?”

“Carrie, this is silly. There‘s nothing to be afraid of. We’re overreacting because it’s Halloween, that’s all.” Then the knocking starts again, just as we enter my room. “This isn’t helping me feel better about Halloween.” I whisper.

Suddenly we hear a muffled laugh. We run to Adam’s room, open the door and the knocking stops once again. But this time we only pretend to leave. We close the door and stay standing in Adam’s room. We freeze in place, quiet as two mice. Suddenly we hear the tapping again but now we can hear that it is coming from Adam’s closet. We quietly tiptoe over to the closet door, quickly yank the door open and there is my brother, Adam, lying on the floor, tapping on the wall. We jump all over him and start yelling and laughing, getting even with my brother for his trick.

“I heard you two talking in the kitchen about researching Halloween and I just couldn’t resist giving you a Halloween scare,” Adam manages to say as we climb all over him.

“Adam, this year is different. I just don’t like Halloween and I don’t know why. I don’t want to do anything for it and I feel….well…sad.”

“Hmmm, Jana, that’s unusual for you. It sounds like you’re really upset. Is that why you wanted to research Halloween? To see if you can figure out why you feel this way?”

“Yes, and it’s freaking me out for some reason and I wish I knew why because I know that I didn’t always feel this way.”

“Jana, close your eyes and try to remember the first time you ever felt this way.” Adam suggests. So I try. Nothing comes up for me until suddenly I think of my grandmother, Nana.

“Nothing Adam. Nothing about Halloween or anything. I just think of Nana, but that has nothing to do with any of this.”

“Well, Nana used to have us over on Halloween and bake cookies. Remember?”

“Yeah, I remember, but even baking cookies doesn’t sound very fun this year.”

Carrie adds, “When did your grandmother get sick?”

“I don’t really remember. We’ll ask my Mom when she gets home.”

We go outside and climb up to the tree house and hang out, just talking and doing homework, until Mom gets home. Then we run into the house, and race into the kitchen to talk to her.

“Hi Girls. How did your day go?

“Good. Mom, I need to ask you something.”

“Jana, I just got home. How about giving me a break and then downloading your day?”

“Please, Mom, can you answer some questions first?”

Carrie pipes in, “She’s really upset about Halloween.”

Finally Mom realizes there is really something bothering me. She stops what she is doing and sits down at the table with us. “What’s up Jana?” she asks.

“Well, I just hate the thought of Halloween and I don’t know why. I always thought I liked it before, we always made fun costumes, went to Nana’s to make cookies, and had fun. Now I don’t want to do anything. For some reason, I feel sad about it.”

My Mom picks up my hand and gives it a kiss. “Is this the first year you remember feeling that way?”

“I don’t know. The last two years I don’t really seem to remember anything at all, but now, well, I just don’t want to do anything. I feel angry and sad and just won’t do anything.”

My Mom thinks for a moment and then says, “Jana, Nana got sick just around Halloween three years ago. Maybe it’s something related to that that’s bothering you.”

“I remember we had to rush her to the hospital. When was it?”

“Actually it was almost three years ago to the day, October 25 we took her in.”

I start crying. “I remember now. I came home and Dad told me you were at the hospital. I think that’s it! I really miss her and I don’t want to celebrate or have fun with her gone. She made Halloween fun, just being with her. And to have fun without her would be like…like not missing her!”

Mom hugs me, Carrie hugs us both and Adam sits at the table staring at me as if I am from outer space. Then he says, “I remember that day too, Jana. You and I were in the back seat of the car as Dad rushed us to the hospital and you were really crying. It was such a sad day. We spent a lot of time at Nana’s house, as well as on Halloween. This actually begins to make sense. Jana, you just might not be as wild and crazy as I thought!”

I give Adam a loving punch in his arm for that comment. Then Carrie says, “Jana, do that tapping stuff my mom showed us. The stuff she uses with her track team. It’s supposed to work on your subconscious thoughts. Tap the side of your hand on the table and say, ‘Even though I feel really sad, I completely and totally accept myself. Even though I miss my Nana, I completely and totally accept myself.’ Now, keep your head straight and, with your eyes, look down hard to the right, hard to the left, move your eyes all the way up and around in a circle, now up and around the other way. Count to five out loud, hum happy birthday. Count to five again, hum happy birthday. Now, close your eyes, take a deep breath and think of your Nana.” Gosh, I know it’s hard to believe, but as I tap I feel the sadness leave. Suddenly I know what I need to do.

“I feel a little better. I still want to do something special this Halloween, something in honor of Nana. Mom, you know that “I AM” birthday party you were telling me about? How the kids all bring children’s books and ship them to some school or place that needs them? Well, this Halloween I am going to ask each place I trick-or-treat to donate a children’s book for that Foundation. Nana loved to read to us and that will give a special meaning to Halloween. We will be sending Nana all over the world to help other kids, just like she helped us.”

“Jana, that sounds great. In fact, let’s go make a flyer to put out and collect a lot of books–all in memory of your Nana. We can ask Josie at the coffee shop if we can set up a box for book donations, put a picture of your Nana on it, and do it all in memory of her.”

Adam comes over and gives me a hug. “I’ll go ‘book-or-treating’ with you, sis! We can pull the wagon around to carry the books in. Let’s see…we can dress up as farmers-we’re farming books!”

“This sounds like fun again. Thanks to all of you, this will be a Halloween to remember!”

Sue Woodward is the founder and managing editor of North Star Family Matters Magazine To Inspire Conscious Parenting and Empowered kids Visit her website at http://www.northstarfamilymatters.com